Everyone who knows me knows that not much
frustrates or irritates me. Yeah, right.
Impatient driving, cell phones that go off in
movies, cyclists who don’t wear helmets, cyclists that cycle in huge groups, shoppers
who hog supermarket aisles with their trolleys, long queues at supermarkets due
to bad management, smokers, gluttons, people who sponge, people who are always
late, people who run red lights or stop signs, bullies, people who feel sorry
for themselves, laziness, complainers; no, not much frustrates or irritate me. Yeah right is right.
Over and above all the above, the most irritating
and frustrating of habits I have found in people in this day and age, is the
lack of ability to listen.
We all know people who just have to make a point, no
matter what or where the conversation or situation, people who never allow
someone to finish a conversation but have to butt in to give their
opinion/experience/knowledge.
You can see them, sitting there waiting for whoever
is speaking to give the slightest pause so they can interrupt and begin, “Well
when I was …… …” or “I remember when I was ……
” And off they go on their rant,
about them, their experience, their perspective, their view.
Indeed, in recent times it has become a point of
discussion among many friends who have discussed with me how they have
willingly stepped to one side of a friendship, association or relationship due
to that one factor – that other person just cannot help but butt in. Have to put in their pennies worth.
I’ve written about this before on this blog – so this is a repetitive article, but from
someone else’s perspective this time about the same topic.
Last week a dear Toastmaster friend delivered a
speech, rather like a Ted Talk – called ‘Just Listen’.
It was exactly the message I so
often try to convey to others. I loved
the speech, I loved his delivery. Loved
it so much so I asked if I could plagiarise it and upload it to my blog. Not only because it makes for good
reading and thinking, and a reminder for everyone, but because it better
explained the value of what I have often preached - to just shut up, to butt
out; to be a good listener. It’s
becoming a lost skill.
Just Listen
I
was on the kidney machine one night when I overheard our son, who was just 6
years old at the time, ask his mother one of those big life questions:
“Mum, when I grow up am I going to be
like you or like dad?”
“Well tiger,“ my wife replied, as masculine as she
could, “you’re
a boy so you’re
going to be like daddy of course.”
He
got her attention the next night with a similar question, “So
mum, you’re
sure that when I grow up, I’m going to be like dad?”
This
time his mother realised she needed to give him a fuller answer. “Sure
you are, you’re
a boy, so you’ll
grow up to be a man. If you were a
little girl you’d grow up to be like mummy. So you’ll be a man like daddy.”
The
very next night, when she was tucking him up in bed, the little fella asked the
same question, “Mum, so when do I get to be like dad?”
Suddenly
my wife realised she had to be focused and really listen “Tell me what is it that’s bothering you.”
“Well …. when do I have to go on the kidney
machine?”
You
see, I’ve
been on a kidney machine all of my son’s entire life - that’s all he’s ever known.
His
question showed how important it is to not just hear what is
being said, but to listen, to understand.
Listen
to understand.
We
go on courses to learn how to speak … but do we go on courses to learn how to listen?
I
do have a good friend who spent five years learning how to listen. He now gets
paid for it. Any guesses what he
does? A counsellor. People pay him money to just to have him sit
and listen to them.
The
oldest professionals in the world are well known for their listening
skills - prostitutes.
Sure,
sex is their main trade but the main reason clientele keep going back is often
because they have someone who listens to them.
Affairs
start innocently enough. Often relationships are kindled because someone cares
enough to listen … and it leads to other things.
We
all have a strong need to be listened to - really listened to.
It
makes us feel understood, valuable. I
has us think that who we are does matter.
The truth is very few people are
really good listeners; most people are good talkers,
but
not so good at listening. While we might be hearing, we are not
really listening. There is a big difference.
Steven
Covey came up with 7 habits of highly effective people.
One
of his habits was this one: “ First seek to understand; then seek to be
understood.”
He
says that “most
people don’t listen with intent to understand; they listen with intent to reply.”
God
wanted us to listen: That’s why He
gave us two ears and one mouth. Imagine if that had been swapped around?
As
a young husband, whenever I used to listen to my wife I thought I was a real ‘active’ listener. I would
listen, butting in asking lots of questions, being really interested. I’d
even help her out by finishing off her sentences; even provide her with the odd
word or two that I knew she was searching for.
In
fact there were times when I was so ‘tuned in” that I
knew what she was going to say before she had even said it. ☺
But
now after 25 years of marriage she’s taught me to be quiet and just
listen. To listen aaaaallll the way through to the end, without interrupting, and when
she’s
finished I ask questions like, “so how did that make you feel?” or “now what are you going to do?” or “just tell me more” (she loves that one.)
One
of the greatest gifts you can give another person is to do more than just hear
them, but to really listen to them. To make them feel ‘felt’.
How
does one do this?
Firstly,
try to listen from their perspective, not yours. Take
yourself out of the picture entirely.
Try
to attach an emotion to what you think the person is feeling. Let them finish
speaking and when they have finished speaking say to them, “I
get a sense that you’re feeling really frustrated …. happy … angry … disappointed.” And
then let them continue.
Here’s
a good tip that I passed onto my teenagers: Try to be more interested
- rather than interesting. If you want an interesting dinner conversation be
interested.
Be
interested in the people you meet rather than trying to impress them.
Here’s
a great question to ask: “How did you get into what you’re
doing?” It never fails to reveal people’s journey or passion.
One
thing you can do that can sound rather corny or unnatural at first, unless you
are genuine about being interested, and it can be very effective as a listening
tool, is to reflect back, or mirror what they just said.
For
example they may say, “My last speech was a disaster!”
You
say, “A
disaster?”
“I’m so embarrassed. I lost my way.”
Interestingly
I was watching an interview with Prince Charles, where he was being quite
transparent about some of the aspects of his job and the interviewer asked, “How
do you manage to talk and have conversations with so many people who you’ve
never met before?”
Prince
Charles let his guard down for a moment and said, “Well you may not believe this but my
mother taught me this little trick that has proven incredibly successful, I’m
now pretty good at it. I just repeat back the last word they just said, and the
conversation takes care of itself. For example I’ll meet someone during the Badminton
horse trials and ask, “So how did you like the event?”
They
might say, “Oh
great. I just love horses”
“Horses?”
“Yes I’ve been riding since I was ten.”
“Ten?”
You
get what I mean…
I
hope I’ve
alerted you to the importance of listening in how it can be a gift that really
adds value to another human being that can firstly make them feel heard, and
understood, maybe important - but certainly valuable. And they are.
It’s
an easy thing to do … but it’s also easy not to do, as I’ve
discovered in my attempts.
Can
I leave you with a challenge:
This
week, focus on really listening to someone - as a gift to them:
The
first thing to do is stop talking and just listen. Listen to what they are saying, how they
feel about what they are saying, don’t interrupt, and listen alllllll the way through to the end.
Instead
of thinking about what you are going to say, respond instead from
their perspective.
I
think you’ll
be surprised when you discover you have got the secret of getting through
to almost anyone.
Thank you for reading this through.
I am always bemused when I meet someone I have not seen for a long time and within ten minutes I have had their past twelve months history of illnesses, injuries, ailments, problems, joys - and when we part I realise they spent all that time talking about themselves and zero time listening. I shrug and remember why it was that I felt glad we don't meet more than once a year, or more.
One of the
things I have noticed in life is that it is those people who do have good
listening skills who are the ones who attract the most valued friends. It is because, they just listen.
