When it comes to the death of someone you love there is no
such thing as "moving on". Why
would you want to move on?
Whether one has lost a husband, father, mother, child,
friend or sibling - one does not just 'move on', take a step in a new direction, forget the
past and look forward to making new steps in your life having the past life
literally dead and buried, forgotten.
For 'moving on' has that implication - to leave the past,
put it behind you and make new memories.
One would have to be a very cold and unemotional person to
be able to 'move on' when you have farewelled a loved one at a funeral service,
burial or cremation.
I have always loathed the term, or advice, that so many have
given over the years. I lost someone so
very dear, so very loved and so very important in my life. It was six years ago this past week he was
physically taken - to whatever sphere one is taken to - I'd like to think that
if there is a heaven, that is where he is.
I have spent some time over the past few days reflecting on
the loss; reflecting and reading old diaries where I wrote thoughts and
emotions in the times leading up to his death, and after it.
Nothing I wrote in those days six and seven years ago has
changed. I still have the same deep
feelings of love and emotion I went through in Tony's last years of living and
the months afterwards. I have been
fortunate to have had some amazing experiences and a special person entered my
life and despite that, nothing has changed.
I don't feel any less love, any less sensitive, or any less grief, to the
loss of the man I so treasured.
But in deference and respect for those who were trying to
help me in telling me to 'move on' I can give my own analysis that in some ways
I physically have 'moved on'.
Moving on is when you pack things into a box, put them in a
truck then take them to where ever you next go, have them unloaded, unpacked and placed
carefully in your new environment. No less treasured, no less missed.
The physical me, and the possessions I own have moved on,
from Auckland to Taupo. But the sadness,
grief, loss and gap in the history of my life is still there. Unchanged, no less important to me, no matter
how or where I now live. For death may
end a life but it never ends a relationship.
So these past couple of weeks have proven to be no less
emotional than they were six years ago, five years ago, four years ago, three
years ago, two years ago, last year or now.
I am so very glad of that.
For the life we shared was so magical, why would I want to 'move on'?
What I do have now, in my post Tony life, is a fulfillment of
grasping all that Tony used to tell me to do.
To grasp all opportunities that come my way.
In the many boxes of mementos I have recently rummaged
through I found a note I once wrote him.
'You taught me to swim, through water, and through life,
positively. You taught me not to look
back on the bow waves I have swum through, but to keep my head looking forward,
to keep it high, out of the waves and murky waters, to pick a spot on the
horizon and to keep moving toward that spot - because then I will reach firm
ground, find my steady legs and know I have the strength to achieve.'
I'm doing that Mr Jackson.
And know you are feeling proud of me.
Thank you for teaching me the joy and importance of love.
