Mountain Musings Four

Am already exasperated at the solitude.  But ever so pleased I have it.

Solitude has one pondering constantly.  That’s why it’s good.  I can now understand why those monks or yogi or nutters like to go up into the mountains for months, years on end, without speaking to another human being.  With solitude you focus on nothing but your ponderings.  Bit selfish really.  But when comes a need . .. and all that. 

I lasted two days.  In solitude that is. But even then I cheated.  I had to speak to the lady to order my latte on Monday and then again yesterday.  And to do that I had to come down from the mountain.  But I still kinda getit.  All that self time and stuff.

Then today I busted out.  Actually, come to think of it, I did it last night really.

It was dark and on looking at my watch realised it had been a few hours since my last repast so picked up the unopened can of baked beans on the bench knowing there is nothing healthier for the body than another can of good old Mr Watties Baked Beans.  But, realised that baked beans don’t taste any good without either a slice of toast under them, or a poached egg on top.  As I had neither in my box of foodstuffs I had brought down from home I couldn’t figure out what other option to cook myself for dinner.  I’d already eaten through two-thirds of Fiona’s latest fruit cake – that as a main course for dinner didn’t appeal.  Dessert maybe.  There were a couple of little cans of tuna and some dried apricots too but they didn’t send the taste buds salivating either.  Nor did going down to the local supermarket for a healthy supply of greens and lean meat or fish.  When on one’s own, that becomes quite expensive and one ends up with two thirds of a broccoli head left over and can never purchase a small enough portion of fish to meat for one, so end up with more than half the goods left over for the next night.  And why would I want the same stuff the next night? 

So bugger it, I thought.  I’ll hit the town and savour, flavour and devour the best the town has to offer.

BIG mistake.  Shoulda gone to the supermarket and bought the broccoli and steak.  Lesson learnt.  There’s no Simon Gault down here.

But it did take me away from the solitude.  I got to speak to the surly wine waitress, the foreign barman and two of the most Deliverance-type-characters you could ever imagine.  Full grey beards and all. 

Brokeback Mountain I would have loved.  Officer and a Gentleman even more so.  Trust me to have two hickory dickory local yokels trying to be friendly.

I went straight back to the chalet for solitude and reflecting.

Did some of that on top of the mountain today.  Well, maybe not quite on top of the mountain, and maybe not quite reflecting.  But drove up the mountain road as far as the car would take me.  Bit of déjà vu.  Last time I went up there I was with Tony.  But that’s not the point of this story.  Point is that I went up there and had a jolly good bawl.  Literally.  With an outlook and view to stun any tourist, I had it to myself and told myself I was as high up and as close to Tony as I would ever get – then the tears flowed.  And the solitude meant the tears could turn to bawling my eyes out. 

Did that yesterday too.  Bawl my eyes out.  But not up the mountain.  Did it during a mountain bike ride.  Thought I would be brave and venture out on the mountain bike onto a small part of the Old Coach mountain bike track.  Got about twenty minutes in when emotion flooded over me like a tidal wave.  Thank goodness it was totally out in the wop-wops as it would have frightened even the bravest adventurer to have come across this woman howling over the hill sides.

It has to be good for me, surely?  I feel totally exhausted afterwards so figure it must burn up some calories.  Yeah, nah?

So today it’s been back to solitude and reflection - that’s been the agenda today.  Me and only me.  It does remind me how depression is all about being me-focused.  But in saying that I know I am not depressed, I am grieving – but there is a very fine line and parallel to both.  Both are all about thinking about self.  I know.  I have been to both places, now.  That’s why I am here, at the bottom of this mountain.  To give myself total indulgence in thinking about myself, me and what I have lost and will never see, or touch, or smell or love again.  Death then grief is a valid reason for being depressed.  So I feel I can give myself license to be so.  But I don’t have license to inflict it on others.  That’s when it does become truly selfish.  That’s why I have come away.

I thought I would come away to totally indulge myself in self-reflection, self-interest, self-made depression, grief and not damn well give anything back to someone, anyone else.  I haven’t liked it though. 

The one thing I have been telling myself on each day of these nine weeks and four days of grieving depression since Tony passed away is, “What have I done for someone else?”  When I ask myself that question I immediate refocus and will do something, some small thing to let someone else know I care.

Often it’s only a phone call, or email, or text.  Or going for a walk and patting the local cats that stroll on the footpath, smile at the lady walking with her toddler, pushing the cross now button for the old dear with shopping bags in both hands or smile at the man taking his dog for a walk.  I even pick up litter from the street like one of those bag ladies one sees in movies. But doing something as small as that takes that brain focus away from self and actually puts a little goodness back into the soul. 

Doing something for someone else without seeking reward that is. 

Serotonin, I think that’s what they call it.  Natural serotonin, instead of the pill form.  I’ve got the pill form in the cabinet at home – but decided to ditch those.  It’s too easy to use those as an excuse to keep focusing on self.  They keep you there.  Doing something for someone else is better, nicer, more rewarding than swallowing a pill.  And it’s natural.  And can become a habit.  I am missing it.

Now, is it the baked beans or the tuna tonight?