Are you all ears?

Everyone who knows me knows that not much frustrates or irritates me.  Yeah, right.

Impatient driving, cell phones that go off in movies, cyclists who don’t wear helmets, cyclists that cycle in huge groups, shoppers who hog supermarket aisles with their trolleys, long queues at supermarkets due to bad management, smokers, gluttons, people who sponge, people who are always late, people who run red lights or stop signs, bullies, people who feel sorry for themselves, laziness, complainers;  no, not much frustrates or irritate me.  Yeah right is right. 

Over and above all the above, the most irritating and frustrating of habits I have found in people in this day and age, is the lack of ability to listen.

We all know people who just have to make a point, no matter what or where the conversation or situation, people who never allow someone to finish a conversation but have to butt in to give their opinion/experience/knowledge.

You can see them, sitting there waiting for whoever is speaking to give the slightest pause so they can interrupt and begin, “Well when I was …… …” or “I remember when I was ……  ”   And off they go on their rant, about them, their experience, their perspective, their view.

Indeed, in recent times it has become a point of discussion among many friends who have discussed with me how they have willingly stepped to one side of a friendship, association or relationship due to that one factor – that other person just cannot help but butt in.  Have to put in their pennies worth.

I’ve written about this before on this blog  – so this is a repetitive article, but from someone else’s perspective this time about the same topic.

Last week a dear Toastmaster friend delivered a speech, rather like a Ted Talk – called ‘Just Listen’.

It was exactly the message I so often try to convey to others.  I loved the speech, I loved his delivery.  Loved it so much so I asked if I could plagiarise it and upload it to my blog.  Not only because it makes for good reading and thinking, and a reminder for everyone, but because it better explained the value of what I have often preached - to just shut up, to butt out; to be a good listener.  It’s becoming a lost skill.

Just Listen 

I was on the kidney machine one night when I overheard our son, who was just 6 years old at the time, ask his mother one of those big life questions:

“Mum, when I grow up am I going to be like you or like dad?”

“Well tiger,“ my wife replied, as masculine as she could, “you’re a boy so you’re going to be like daddy of course.”

He got her attention the next night with a similar question, “So mum, you’re sure that when I grow up, I’m going to be like dad?”

This time his mother realised she needed to give him a fuller answer. “Sure you are, you’re a boy, so you’ll grow up to be a man.  If you were a little girl you’d grow up to be like mummy.  So you’ll be a man like daddy.”

The very next night, when she was tucking him up in bed, the little fella asked the same question, “Mum, so when do I get to be like dad?”

Suddenly my wife realised she had to be focused and really listen “Tell me what is it that’s bothering you.” 

“Well …. when do I have to go on the kidney machine?”

You see, I’ve been on a kidney machine all of my son’s entire life  - that’s all he’s ever known. 

His question showed how important it is to not just hear what is being said, but to listen, to understand.

Listen to understand.

We go on courses to learn how to speak … but do we go on courses to learn how to listen?

I do have a good friend who spent five years learning how to listen. He now gets paid for it.  Any guesses what he does?  A counsellor.  People pay him money to just to have him sit and listen to them.

The oldest professionals in the world are well known for their listening skills - prostitutes.

Sure, sex is their main trade but the main reason clientele keep going back is often because they have someone who listens to them.

Affairs start innocently enough. Often relationships are kindled because someone cares enough to listen … and it leads to other things.

We all have a strong need to be listened to - really listened to.

It makes us feel understood, valuable.  I has us think that who we are does matter.

The truth is very few people are really good listeners; most people are good talkers,

but not so good at listening. While we might be hearing, we are not really listening. There is a big difference.

Steven Covey came up with 7 habits of highly effective people.

One of his habits was this one: “ First seek to understand; then seek to be understood.”

He says that “most people don’t listen with intent to understand; they listen with intent to reply.”

God wanted us to listen: That’s why He gave us two ears and one mouth. Imagine if that had been swapped around?

As a young husband, whenever I used to listen to my wife I thought I was a real ‘active’ listener.  I would listen, butting in asking lots of questions, being really interested. I’d even help her out by finishing off her sentences; even provide her with the odd word or two that I knew she was searching for. 

In fact there were times when I was so ‘tuned in” that I knew what she was going to say before she had even said it. ☺

But now after 25 years of marriage she’s taught me to be quiet and just listen.  To listen aaaaallll the way through to the end, without interrupting, and when she’s finished I ask questions like, “so how did that make you feel?” or “now what are you going to do?” or “just tell me more” (she loves that one.)

One of the greatest gifts you can give another person is to do more than just hear them, but to really listen to them. To make them feel ‘felt’.

How does one do this?

Firstly, try to listen from their perspective, not yours. Take yourself out of the picture entirely.

Try to attach an emotion to what you think the person is feeling. Let them finish speaking and when they have finished speaking say to them, “I get a sense that you’re feeling really frustrated …. happy … angry … disappointed.”  And then let them continue.

Here’s a good tip that I passed onto my teenagers: Try to be more interested - rather than interesting. If you want an interesting dinner conversation be interested.

Be interested in the people you meet rather than trying to impress them.

Here’s a great question to ask: “How did you get into what you’re doing?” It never fails to reveal people’s journey or passion.

One thing you can do that can sound rather corny or unnatural at first, unless you are genuine about being interested, and it can be very effective as a listening tool, is to reflect back, or mirror what they just said.

For example they may say, “My last speech was a disaster!”

You say, “A disaster?”

“I’m so embarrassed. I lost my way.”

Interestingly I was watching an interview with Prince Charles, where he was being quite transparent about some of the aspects of his job and the interviewer asked, “How do you manage to talk and have conversations with so many people who you’ve never met before?”

Prince Charles let his guard down for a moment and said, “Well you may not believe this but my mother taught me this little trick that has proven incredibly successful, I’m now pretty good at it. I just repeat back the last word they just said, and the conversation takes care of itself. For example I’ll meet someone during the Badminton horse trials and ask, “So how did you like the event?”

They might say, “Oh great. I just love horses”

“Horses?”

“Yes I’ve been riding since I was ten.”

“Ten?”

You get what I mean…

I hope I’ve alerted you to the importance of listening in how it can be a gift that really adds value to another human being that can firstly make them feel heard, and understood, maybe important - but certainly valuable. And they are.

It’s an easy thing to do … but it’s also easy not to do, as I’ve discovered in my attempts.

Can I leave you with a challenge:

This week, focus on really listening to someone - as a gift to them:

The first thing to do is stop talking and just listen.  Listen to what they are saying, how they feel about what they are saying, don’t interrupt, and listen alllllll the way through to the end.

Instead of thinking about what you are going to say, respond instead from their perspective.

I think you’ll be surprised when you discover you have got the secret of getting through to almost anyone.

Thank you for reading this through.

I am always bemused when I meet someone I have not seen for a long time and within ten minutes I have had their past twelve months history of illnesses, injuries, ailments, problems, joys - and when we part I realise they spent all that time talking about themselves and zero time listening.  I shrug and remember why it was that I felt glad we don't meet more than once a year, or more.

One of the things I have noticed in life is that it is those people who do have good listening skills who are the ones who attract the most valued friends.  It is because, they just listen.