Life has a ring about it

 A couple of years after Tony was diagnosed with a brain tumour I gave a speech at Toastmasters about the sad reaction some people had to being informed of his dire situation.

We found that certain people we had known for a number of years had made their presence obvious by not being present.  In other words – they scarpered … they kept away.  Well away.  Kept their distance as far as they could make the distance.  It was as if they had been zapped from the earth.

What bothered me so much was that some of them had been folk we had been very close to;  others were folk who had utilised our ears by sharing their problems, reaching out to us for help or advice or just to be a friend when they needed friends.  Most had been to our home for dinner, or BBQs, or other social occasions.

After Tony’s diagnosis their absence was so obvious that I felt compelled to write a speech about them in the hope that those in my audience would think twice about themselves whenever someone they know has any form of catastrophe or disaster occur.  I hoped that it would make folk think hard about their own reaction to their friends who may be facing a life changing event.

Overall the message was – when something goes wrong for a friend, it’s not about YOU.  It’s not about how YOU feel.  It’s about them.  They are the ones who matter.  Not YOU.  Or how awkward, or hard, or difficult YOU find it.  It's about them!

I was lucky; the speech won a competition so in the end I had a number of opportunities to spread the message and each time I did it was inevitable that someone would come up to me and tell me what an impact it had on them.  That made it worth it.

Then last week I was sent a link to an article in The Los Angeles Times which had a message to it that I consider is just as important and is very linked to my own speech message. 

At the risk of plagiarism, am going to paste most of the article here – in the hope that those who read it will think about themselves and their reactions and attitudes  – and contemplate where they sit in situations where they have a problem they consider more important than their friend’s problem.  When it very often is ridiculously petty in comparison.  

Written by Susan Silk & Barry Goldman

When Susan had breast cancer, we heard a lot of lame remarks, but our favourite came from one of Susan's colleagues who said she wanted, that she needed to visit Susan after the surgery. But Susan didn't feel like having visitors and she said so. Her colleague's response was ... "This isn't about you."

"It's not?" Susan wondered. "My breast cancer is not about me? It's about you?"

The same theme came up again when our friend Katie had a brain aneurysm. She was in intensive care for a long time and finally got out and into a step-down unit. She was no longer covered with tubes and lines and monitors but she was still in rough shape. A friend came and saw her and then stepped into the hall with Katie's husband, Pat. "I wasn't prepared for this," she told him. "I don't know if I can handle it."

This woman loved Katie and she said what she did because the sight of Katie in this condition moved her so deeply. But it was the wrong thing to say. And it was wrong in the same way Susan's colleague's remark was wrong.

Susan has since developed a simple technique to help people avoid this mistake. It works for all kinds of crises: medical, legal, financial, romantic, even existential. She calls it the Ring Theory.

Draw a circle. This is the centre ring. In the ring put the name of the person at the centre of the current trauma. For Katie's aneurysm, that's Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie's aneurysm, that was Katie's husband, Pat. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order. One of Susan's patients found it useful to tape it to her refrigerator.

Here are the rules. The person in the centre ring can say anything she wants to anyone, in any ring, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the centre ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the centre of a crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you're going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn't, don't say it.  People who are suffering from trauma don't need advice they need comfort and support. So say, "I'm sorry."  Or, "This must really be hard for you," or, "Can I bring you a pot roast?"  Don't say, "I had that happen to me once,” or, “You should hear what happened to me," or, "Here's what I would do if I were you." You don't say, "I can’t handle this,” or, “This is really bringing me down."

If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that's fine. It's a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.

Comfort IN, dump OUT.

There was nothing wrong with Katie's friend saying she was not prepared for how horrible Katie looked, or even that she didn't think she could handle it. The mistake was that she said those things to Pat, someone in an inner circle. She dumped IN.

Complaining to someone in a smaller ring than yours doesn't do either of you any good. On the other hand, being supportive to a principal caregiver may be the best thing you can.

Remember, you can say whatever you want if you just wait until you're talking to someone in a larger ring than yours.

And don't worry. You'll get your turn in the centre ring. You can count on that.